Blog By Blog (by Jeff)

it has been brought to my attention that i have been neglecting this blog and, therefore, disappointing my loyal readers. laura's keeping pace with us and our adventures here in vermont on a different blog (thefordnewsdujour.blogspot.com)...

tomorrow we're headed to boston to pick up brent and lisa from the airport. we debated going down early and going to ikea, but we thought that might not be a good idea because of the fact that we don't have jobs.

consumers at heart, you say? well, after all, we are americans!

laura screwed up

I was chillin' at Staples (the office store) just a short while ago. the place was pretty busy, due to the soon approaching start of school (for all the fresh-faced kidlets).

you can get all kinds of useless junk at these office stores.  i ran across a day planner. i was almost mesmerized as i picked it up and flipped through it, looking at blank pages of the upcoming year. it's exciting to anticipate what another year will bring. but i realized i'll probably never really have enough going on to fill the dates of this calender/planner. or even if i do use it some of the time, i'll eventually deter from writing down my to-do's, which will then lead to me not bothering to even refer to my "schedule" anymore. maybe i'm just not organized enough to have a planner (or is it that i'm TOO organized to need one?...who knows)...when i was in high school, they came out with this crazy idea that all the students needed planners. and we were periodiaclly checked to make sure we were writing down all our assignments in our planner...i took the point dockage: i didn't bother with mine. to me, a planner is like a calculator. you become some reliant on referring to it, that your brain isn't as good at remembering the stuff on its own...(??its MY theory)...

so, pens...

i thought it would be fun to get new pens, you know, ones where the ink just pours out effortlessly, where it looks as though you should have signed the declaration of independence with the thing...

i looked for a few minutes, dodging the carts of the super-suburban moms and the little heads of their children...i couldn't figure out what ones i wanted. perhaps it's because i knew deep down that i didn't NEED any of them...i was sure i had pens at home, although they're hard to keep track of and maybe don't write as fancy...there were just too many choices...so i chose to get none of them... for now i'll use the cheapo one that i got from an insurance company (i write just the same with it, i guess).

plus, the cheepst one i could find was a package for $4.00...where i come from that buys a venti latte.

In the relentless pursuit of living my life as if it's not about me, i often get sidetracked and start to think that life is a book in which i am the main character. and this is easy for me to think, because i follow ME around everywhere. I provide my own commentary for this story about ME in my head...and it's all based on how things affect ME.

It's a selfish way to think, but i imagine that it's in alot of our subconsciences...it's human to be concerned about our immediate needs. it's american to want our life to be prosperous...so, it's a hard habit to break. i'll probably never break it, per se, but i'm hoping that i can more or less condition myself to develop a genuine concern for the well-being of others as much as that of myself.

I've only known a handful of people who have seemingly mastered this, and those are the kinds of people whom you starve to be around.

this little tangent developed out of me sitting down just a moment ago and thinking to myself, "hmmm, what can i write about in MY life...something about ME?" how quickly i realize (and often quickly forget) that kind of self-centered thinking is the root of bitterness and maliciousness, not to mention struggles and depressions...feelings of inadequacy...

time for a healthy dose of community, that of which i have been craving. i guess this is even harder to get when you're moving away from people you know to a city of strangers? but if i can take the focus off of myself i won't even have time to feel lonely (hopefully)...

it has been called to my attention recently by several different individuals or entities that some of my blogs or the general tone of my page may be laden with hatred, frustration, bitterness, (ect.).

i'll say this first. This is not my intent, nor does this encompass me. these are emotions that i may sometimes feel (such as bitterness, anger, frustration...), but these are no more than temporary and fickle emotions. if anything, my blogging just offers me a channel throuh which to vent, to COMICLY release some minor frustrations. but, contrary to the perceived tone of some entries, i am not bitter. i get upset when i feel like a mass amount of people's eyes are closed, and even more upset if i've felt that people (or general trends in society) are trying to keep my eyes closed along with them so that i'll "fall in line." i don't like injustices and i don't like arrogance. i would think that the majority of my rants have to do with these minor gliches of life.

i also want to say that humans love conflict. every good story as conflict. how interesting would it be for me to write about what time i got out of bed, how good my coffee tasted, what time i left for work, the nice person that waited on me during lunch........ok, yes, BORING, so for the sake of having a more "entertaining" voice, i suppose i tend to harbor a more cynical, conflicting side of my everyday life.

so, let me focus on something else today. a change of tone, if you will. let me focus on all that is good, all that i love:

i love my wife. i love her shape, her smell, her encouragement, her talents, her laugh, her history, who she is becoming, and all that she is right now. i love our life together. had you have asked me six years ago to describe the ideal marriage, i could not have dreamt up something even remotely close to this utopia.

i love coffee. its taste, its smell, the way it entices us to slow down and sit and drink while we discuss everday happenings...let's keep the beans brewing.

i love music. of course, who doesn't love some sort of music? i like to listen to music, to analyze it, to hear new things, to play, to write...dmb, chicago, john mayer, billy joel, those classics. yet all the new folks that have opened up my musical world: amos lee, josh kelley, matt wertz, jack johnson, jon mclaughlin, shane barnard, stephen kellogg, jason mraz, norah jones, 311, andy gullahorn, james morrison, and many more. i hope someday i can write and play songs that are as inspiring to others as these musicians have been for me.

i love my friends and family (that's cliche' but true). all of their influences have made me who i am today.

i like to push myself to do new things, because it's so easy to become complacent. and there is a fine line between running from something old and facing something new. my life is constantly changing, both externally and internally (what i think, feel, and hold as priority). the challenge is to be committed to where i want to go, yet be flexible and liquid enough to change with life...(i hope that wasn't all too vague).

architcture, travel, tradition, memories, comedy central, camping, snow, rosanne, baseball....the list is endless, because life is good....

(ok, that all felt a little like a cheesy "thank you" section in an album cover)

maybe i forget to focus on the good sometimes. and maybe i am guilty of taking these things for granted. i do, sometimes, tend to focus on the cynical side. so, thank you to the people who, maybe unknowingly or unintentionally, pointed this out to me...hope you enjoyed a lighter tone.

yep, here in paradise cafe again...

this past week was a big week for music (or i guess LIVE music). last saturday we saw ben folds and johnny mayer...i just wish john mayer would learn to play that dang guitar, already! then on monday and tuesday i got to do a little playing of my own with some old band mates...and they put me to shame, but it was fun jammin'!

to top it off, this past saturday laura and i saw jon mclaughlin...if you haven't heard of this guy, you're missing out. he can sing, write, and play the piano...and he does it all really well. he's originally from here in central indiana (anderson), so that makes it all that much cooler to see him climb to stardom...

so all this music overload inspired me to hunker down and get my chops together...we'll see if it ever happens.

Well, Laura and I have been sharing the news (i hesitated and almost wrote "breaking the news," yet that implies BAD news and this, to us, is joyous and we are stoked...so we hope are families and friends can be excited for us also)...we are finally moving to Vermont! and we're doing it kind of blindly/ballsy. but it's ok becuase we feel strongly about our decision...after sharing with everyone this past week i was exhausted. but i don't mind the questions and the adversity because it causes me to really check myself and stand up for my convictions and decisions...it's so easy sometimes to just let life happen to you without stirring up the status quo...but i need the challenge/adversity for my own sake and my own growth. And when you know what you want it makes it a hell of alot easier to stand in the face of adversity...

so, starting in september my blogs will no longer be dominated by talks in Paradise cafe (which is where i am now) or panera bread...neither of those entities exist in Vermont...I'll probably be blogging predominately from bruegger's bagels.

anyways, it's funny because we don't really have jobs yet, and are afraid our indiana address and inavailability for a quick interview will hinder us in getting jobs. yet you can't get approved for a place to live without a job...it's living a catch 22 (whatever that means)...but these little road blocks won't stop us. in fact, it makes it all the more exciting if you ask me.

so if anyone in the green mountain state is reading this and wants to give us a good job................

Man, I get more junk mail than I know what to do with. I swear there was a tree somewhere in Oregon that was cut down with the sole intent to be used only for my junk mail...ads...coupons...credit card applications...

I guess I recieve so much because of living in an apartment and being a college student...i get ads for student loans and new (cheap) home additions that are being built in nearby areas.

I'm always afraid that I'm going to throw out an important bill or peice of mail that is burried amongst all the junk that I dig out of my mail box...poor mail man...poor Oregon trees!

i hate the idea of sales...i hate pushing a product that people don't need or want...i would occasionally walk by the sales classes at school and kind of smirk in my mind, as i imagined that they have it so bad because they are learning sales and training for a career in sales! yuckkk... i do not envy them!

i think we all have to be salespeople at certain times in our lives. we sell ourselves, or our image. and, you know, i don't have a problem with it so much if i feel like my product is up to par, or if the party to whom i'm offering my product would truly benefit. (my product in this instance being me).

when i first met my wife i had to sell her on the concept of her and i being married. but this didn't feel like a sales pitch at all. it was more-or-less a natural connection, a puzzle in which the pieces fit together perfectly, and we both knew it. and now i tell my wife she's spoiled me. "selling" me to her was one of the easiest pitches i ever made, but now my frustration sets in when other things in life don't come so easily...

And i'm starting to learn that (at least in this country) you cannot do things half-ass. or if you do, you'll never complete the sale (sorry for all these metaphors with sales, but i'm trying to portray how phony i feel it can be). if i want to go to school and study architecture i can't decide that at 23 and throw together a little portfolio in a month. i have to know these plans early in high school so i can take CAD classes (which my high school didn't even offer, but i wouldn't have know to take them anyways), i would need to go to summer workshops at an architecture school, take art classes...

It's as if you spend your whole life compiling an arsenal of ammunition to use when you get out and start selling yourself. the only break you get is if you know the right people. but how do you know whether or not you know the right people?

it's all image...i'm not even so much selling me: my character, my talents, my experiences...i'm selling an image.

for instance, they say that when you interview for a job the interviewer will have decided within the first 15 or 30 seconds (or whatever) whether or not you're going to get the job. how is that person supposed to know within that small amount of time anything about me? It's all based off of image. am i clean-cut? do i appear confident, yet compliant enough to take orders? did i shave? shoes shined? you see, image.

every sub-culture has it's own image and you can't really blur the lines (at least between say the sub-culture of business people and that of artists/musicians). what happens if you do is you lose out to both of them, never able to sell yourself to either. you have to commit to one or the other, not be yourself. you have to commit to a sub-cultural group. I think this is more of a thing for business folk than the opposite...there's a certain corporate persona that one is expected to uphold.

anyways, i said all of that to kind of lead up to this (although i do get side-tracked occasionally with little rants). I applied for a job at a church in maryland a few months ago. since i'm sitting at paradise cafe in indiana, you can probably guess that i didn't get the gig. call it curiosity, pride, or whatever, but i've been checking this church's website periodically to see who they would end up hiring.

this morning there was finally a new worship/music leader listed on the website. human-nature (or my competitive american spirit) kicks in and i began comparing myself. He's got recordings (that sound better than what i can do on my mac), and a myspace page, and a homepage, and a goatee! How can i compete with a goatee! i can't even grow the soul patch!...my point is, he's got the image. and i confess, i've been listening to some of his tunes on myspace while writing this...

it's a lot bit humbling, and a little bit frustrating. not all of the music is my cup of tea, but he's pretty good. he's not shane barnard, but he had all his ducks in a row. he appears to know he's a musician, so he goes after it full on: myspace, a real recording...he was ready...he has the image.

i wish i could grow a full beard...kind-of an osama bin laden look. i can't think of many jobs/employers that would let me get away with that...i'd really be portraying a "bad" image. who want's to bank with osama bin laden? wait, i'm not a banker (what i am, i don't know...maybe a professional blogger. just look at how lengthy this post has become).

but i can't grow that beard. it's funny, when i shave i feel like a pubescent teenager...and the corners of my mouth get chapped easily, so i look even more like a little kid with cherry kool-aid stains on my mouth. somehow a little bit of messy stubble seems to hide all of that...i can only imagine what kind of insecurities and feelings of still being a child i could hide behind a big scruffy beard!

i biked down to my favorite blogging hangout, paradise cafe, i'm sitting outside (and it's hotter than balls). as i look out in the distance, i notice it looks a little cloudy, sort of like rain is coming. and i'm sure this is a good thing and all, considering the grass around here is all yellow and brown and i feel like i live in phoenix. but the problem is i'm on bike and about a thirty minute ride away from my apartment. so hopefully i have a relatively dry ride home!

maybe i worry about the weather so much because i'm a born-and-raised midwesterner? i would love to live on the west coast. barring an occasional earthquake (ever ten years or so), the weather would be mild and predictable.

i had the priveledge of picking my sister and her husband up from the airport this weekend. they just took a trip out to california. we joked about how easy the weather man's job must be out there...partly sunny or mostly sunny...that's it! the occasional brease or fog in the morning, but no real surprises. and i was envious, i admit, because i would have loved to have been the one in san francisco and along highway 1...but i made me even more envious when they got back from there trip and were showing us pictures of them wearing jackets and sweatshirts and all that stuff! while poor old jeff is back here in the global-warming invested midwest were i've resigned to no longer showering, because there's no point...i just wake up dripping sweat all day...(did i mention how much i hate hot weather?)

anyways, i harp on the midwest alot, but it's all good. i enjoy where i live, here on the north side of indianapolis...there are more starbucks than subways, and laura and i have found a really cool nature preserve to hike in. it doesn't feel like you're in the suburbs at all.

beat that west coast! ...ahhh, but you will, with all your high-tech industry and your hippy, i-don't-care-what-you-wear, attitudes; your oceans and mountains and redwoods....blah blah blah...and, oh yes, the cool brease and mild weather!
but, for the price?  yes, that's what i thought. can't compete in that arena, can you west coast? we are able to live so cheaply around here...i'm not sure if that's good, but i'll take it...for now.